Teaching our Young People to Lead with Compassion

October 31st 2024

By Dr. Jenn Milam, Pamela K. Murfin Head of School

Civil discourse is the practice of deliberating about matters of public concern in a way that seeks to expand knowledge and promote understanding. The word “civil” doesn’t refer to civility, in the sense of mere politeness, but to civic, in the sense of being oriented toward public life. Civil discourse aims to develop mutual respect, build civic trust, and identify common ground on matters of public concern. Speech that is protected as a matter of constitutional right can nevertheless be excluded from or sanctioned in contexts where civil discourse is the primary aim.

- Center for Ethics and Human Values, The Ohio State University

On the precipice of a national election, I write to you today, not just as your Head of School, but as a mother, a friend, and a human being. A person and a leader, you have chosen (by your enrollment at Winston), to help guide, nurture, and care for your children. This is an honor and responsibility in which I take great pride, each day. As your (mostly) fearless leader, I pen this note, on the last day of October, in a request, a plea really, to speak more clearly, more fervently, and yes, more urgently, with your young person about what is appropriate to say, and what is absolutely NOT appropriate to say in public, and as a member of a very diverse community like Winston.

I, like all of you, have worked diligently to instill exceptional personal values in my children and to surround them with people who value other human beings’ messy, complicated, and flawed journeys. It is difficult in today’s world to teach our children, young people, and young lives in the making, the importance of kindness and civility, when the adults in their world spew hateful, bigoted, and quite simply, mean-spirited comments on prime-time media outlets and social platforms. And while it may seem to many that this is a distant influence - not impacting our day-to-day life - I can assure you the reality is quite the opposite.

In the last three weeks, I (along with Mr. Ames, our Upper School division head, and Dr. Sass, Lower School division head) have addressed more times than I would like to share, hateful, hurtful, ignorant, racist, derogatory, ableist, and yes, absolutely insulting language from young people in our school, directed at each other. And while some of this is “par for the course” of growing up, I can’t help but feel that our young people are mirroring the hate and lack of respect for one another they see on television, on social media, and around every corner. You can imagine, it is difficult to reprimand a young person for hurling racist comments at a classmate when this is what they see on the evening news. It is challenging to correct misogynistic or violent language when this is what they encounter in multiplayer games online, in chat rooms, and on Roblox servers. It seems futile to attempt to correct teasing and name-calling when adults in our young people’s lives are modeling this behavior.

David Brooks, a well-known author and writer, penned an article in The Atlantic entitled “How America Got Mean” in which he shares his view of increasing hatred, anxiety, and despair in our world today. He posits many reasons for this meanness-epidemic which you can read on your own, but at the end of the article he is clear:

"It [overcoming the meanness] means giving people the skills and habits that will help them be considerate to others in the complex situations of life. It means helping people behave in ways that make other people feel included, seen, and respected. It’s very different from how we treat people now—in ways that make them feel sad and lonely, and that make them grow unkind." (P.76)

How do we change the culture of meanness? We TEACH. We teach young people the skills of tolerance, how to engage in civil discourse and dialogue, the fine art of not liking someone in a kind way, and yes, even how to work with people who hold different values than we do, who vote differently, and who worship a different God. We have to TEACH these skills - every day, every moment, every interaction. Otherwise, how will our young ones learn?

I ask you for your partnership in TEACHING tolerance, in TEACHING civility, in TEACHING kindness, and in TEACHING cooperation and compromise. What I know to be true, is that a school cannot be the only entity in a young person’s life that teaches skills, character, ethics, and the value of other human beings. As amazing as Winston is, we cannot do it alone. And as we walk through the next several days with our young people, we need to know they are watching, listening, and taking it all in - we can be mean, hateful, and filled with anxiety, or we can work together, in partnership, to hold ourselves to high standards of integrity, respect, and fundamental human kindness.

Winston was founded to teach children who learn differently.

Let us be the school that teaches our children to lead differently.